July 2, 2026

Many people are surprised by the intensity of grief after losing a pet. They may judge themselves for not being able to "just move on" or wonder why they're still crying weeks or months later.

Our society doesn't do grief particularly well, even when the loss involves a partner, parent, child, or other significant relationship. So when someone loses a pet they have loved and shared life with for years, should it really be surprising that the grief feels overwhelming?

Apparently, yes. Even for me.

When A Pet Becomes Family

I shared over 11 years with my German Shepherd Mischa. She was a challenging puppy; far more challenging than I ever expected!

Her first two years were filled with training, testing boundaries (her!), moments of frustration, and plenty of tears (mine!). But those challenges required me to recommit to our relationship over and over again. They pushed me to grow into the leader she needed and deepened the bond we shared.

Together we lived an active, adventurous life. Later, she became the steady, protective presence who welcomed another dog, two children, and countless life changes into our family.

Then, a few months after her 11th birthday, she suddenly and quietly became sick, and we discovered she had a ruptured tumor.

Suddenly, we were saying goodbye.

We cried together. We created a remembrance slideshow--and it was a real tearjerker :( So we grieved some more and then life just kept on moving. Without her.

Unexpected Grief Glimmers

I expected I'd be packing things up and moving on after a few days.  Then we faced the reality of life without her.

In the weeks that followed, I found myself continually surprised by waves of grief that seemed to come out of nowhere.

I think of these moments as grief glimmers—those unexpected reminders that pull us back into the connection we shared with someone we loved. They are painful, but they are also beautiful.

After all, do we really want to forget the ones we love after they die?

Of course not.  I reminded myself of that each and every time I felt the presence of her loss.

The challenge is that remembering often means feeling the loss all over again, sometimes in different ways.  One day it may be expecting their presence out of routine and feeling the emptiness of the space she occupied; another it may be, "Oh, I wish Mischa were here to experience running on the beach with her buddy Major."

For many people, pets occupy a role that extends far beyond "just a pet." They are daily companions, protectors, sources of comfort, and witnesses to major life transitions. They are woven into the ordinary moments that make up our lives.

When they die, we don't just miss the pet.

We miss the relationship.

Why Pet Loss Can Feel So Confusing

Grief is one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. Having support to process and make sense of loss can be incredibly important.

Yet the type of grief I most often see accompanied by self-judgment is pet loss. People ask themselves:

• Why can't I let this go?
• Why am I still this upset?
• Why does this hurt so much?

These questions create a second layer of suffering. Not only are people grieving, but they're also questioning whether their grief is somehow wrong.

In reality, the depth of the grief often reflects the depth of the relationship. We miss the routines, the companionship, the quirks, and the comfort of a life that included them.

That's not a sign that something is wrong.

It's a sign that someone mattered.

We Don't Get Over Grief

One of the most important things I've learned, both personally and professionally, is that grief is not something we simply get over. I don't think healing means forgetting or leaving the loss behind. Instead, healing involves integrating the loss into a life that continues to grow, change, and move forward.

The loss remains real.

The love remains real, too.

If we've loved deeply, that love doesn't disappear simply because the relationship has changed. The pain often softens with time, but it can still surprise us with its intensity years later.

As life expands around the grief, we learn to make room for both realities: the sadness of what was lost and the gratitude for what was shared. That, to me, is grief integration. It is the ability to stand in the presence of loss while honoring the love that made the loss matter in the first place.

Perhaps that is where some of life's beauty lives, in the reality that deep love and deep grief are inseparable.

If You're Still Grieving Your Pet

If you've been surprised by how much or for how long your pet's death has affected you, it doesn't necessarily mean something has gone wrong. It may simply reflect how significant that relationship was to you.

The depth of your grief is not a measure of your strength or weakness.

It is a reflection of the enduring power of your love.